Coaching Teachers Who Are Perfectionists

In this three-part series in Education Week, coaching guru Elena Aguilar suggests ways to work with a teacher who is never, ever satisfied with what they do, or what their students do. “At the heart of perfectionism,” says Aguilar, “is a belief that, in order to be loved and accepted, we must strive to act and be the best all the time. Our very worth as a human being is tied to our perfection.” Some tendencies: 

• Getting upset when things aren’t just right; 
• Having uncompromising rules; 
• Blaming oneself or others for things that aren’t under their control; 
• Thinking in black-and-white terms; 
• Quickly discounting positive news; 
• Holding rigidly high, unrealistic standards; 
• Saying should a lot; 
• Claiming not to be a perfectionist. 

Because things aren’t ever perfect, perfectionists often see themselves as failures. They’re especially vulnerable to criticism, blame, feelings of inadequacy, and shame. Perfectionism is all tied up with self-worth, and may go back to childhood experiences. It’s a “dysfunctional emotional tendency,” says Aguilar, “… associated with increased stress, physical health problems, mental-health issues, and a high risk of burnout.” 

Perfectionism should not be confused with a strong work ethic and a commitment to excellence, says Aguilar. “You can have tremendous energy, conscientiousness, and persistence and not be a perfectionist. Perfectionism is about seeking external validation, whereas healthy striving is all about internal drive. A healthy striver has high expectations and commits to a task while also making mistakes and knowing that those mistakes don’t indicate a personal flaw. A perfectionist’s sense of self-worth is overly tied to external praise and accomplishments.” 

 A coach working with a perfectionist teacher needs to draw on specific tools and approaches. Aguilar suggests these eleven: 

• Facilitate, don’t direct. The coach needs to help them discover their internal power. “You cannot fix a perfectionist teacher,” she says. “They have to take care of themselves.” 
• Coach toward emotional awareness. This is true for all coachees, but is especially important for perfectionists, who need help putting their emotions into words. 
• Help them find indicators of success. The teacher probably has a long list of unattainable goals for the class, project, unit, or school year. “Attainable, realistic goals help a perfectionist feel successful,” says Aguilar. 
• Be cautious with praise. “A perfectionist won’t actually feel any better from it and may feel unsatisfied with your coaching,” says Aguilar, “or feel that your praise wasn’t enough, or wasn’t authentic, or wasn’t the right kind of praise.” What works is specific, genuine appreciation in bite-size chunks. 
• Help identify strengths. “The perfectionist needs to hone their ability to see their own skills and to praise themselves,” says Aguilar. Debriefing a lesson, a coach might ask the teacher to identify three things that went well and persist if the teacher waves off the compliments. 
• Normalize struggle and imperfection. A light touch is helpful here, reminding the teacher that it’s normal to mess up sometimes and mistakes are a learning opportunity. 
• Coach around what the teacher can control. Help the teacher focus on areas where they have the most impact and steer them away from areas where they have no influence. 
• Coach away from stark generalizations. “Help your client see the nuances, gray zones, and complexity of every situation,” advises Aguilar. “Guide them to unpack ‘total failure’ so that they can see the 1 percent of the lesson that was neutral, or even strong.” 
• Cultivate self-compassion. Possible questions: Would you talk to your best friend/ sibling/child/student the way you talk to yourself? What would it take for you to treat yourself the way you treat those you love the most in the world? 
• Teach relaxation strategies. “Perfectionists are anxious and live with a lot of fear,” says Aguilar. “Mindfulness is an invaluable tool in this area.” 
• Suggest a mantra. “Perfectionists need to rewire their brain,” she says. “They’ve spent decades, most likely, telling themselves they aren’t doing a good enough job.” They need to learn a new language, and a phrase or sentence that helps them accept partial perfection can be very helpful. 

Aguilar describes working with a perfectionist teacher named Katie and suddenly realizing that her own emotional responses – frustration, impatience, anger – were adding to a “wall” between them and preventing the teacher from trusting and listening. “I was firmly attached to how I thought she should change and what she should do and when,” says Aguilar, “and when I didn’t see the kind of evidence I wanted to see, I felt frustrated. Impatient. I wasn’t a very good coach at that point… because what I value most in a coach is that the coaching emerges from a place of deep compassion and curiosity… I had to acknowledge my own fears, anger, sadness, and insecurities first – and engage with those and understand them – before I could be the kind of coach I wanted to be, and that Katie needed me to be.” 

Patience, she says, is what was needed – not resignation or passivity, but being open to Katie’s realities. Aguilar took this lesson into all her other coaching. “Slowing down helps me tremendously to recognize what I’m feeling,” she says. “Now, when fear or anger surface during a coaching session, I acknowledge them and ask them to sit on the side while I’m working and I promise them we’ll have a chat later. And then, once I’m in a place where I can reflect, I say, ‘Hello, my little fearful coach-self. What happened in that session that triggered your insecurities?’ And then I dig and uncover sometimes a new insight or sometimes the same old stuff.” 

With Katie, there was a moment when Aguilar had deep empathy for how difficult it was for this teacher to always think she was a terrible teacher. “Katie,” she said, “I can hear how much you’re suffering, and my heart aches. I wish I could take it all away because I know how badly you want to teach and how much you want to meet the needs of your kids.” Katie sensed her kindness and compassion and sighed deeply, and they had a profound connection. “And she talked,” says Aguilar. “And I listened. The wall crumbled.” 

 “How to Coach the Perfectionist Teacher: Understanding Perfectionism Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3” by Elena Aguilar in Education Week, February 27, 28, and March 5, 2019; Aguilar can be reached at elena@brightmorningteam.com.

Please Note: This summary is reprinted with permission from issue #910 of The Marshall Memo, an excellent resource for educators.