What Makes Good Conversation - and What Doesn't

           In this Psychology Today article, Valerie Fridland (University of Nevada) says that even though very few of us get formal instruction on how to conduct a conversation, we follow several “culturally absorbed conventions” that foster cooperation and increase the chance that a chat will be rewarding: 

• Mutuality – taking turns; 
• Relevance – what’s said relates to what has been said before; 
• Quantity – saying enough to be informative, but not too much; 
• Quality – being truthful; 
• Manner – being direct and clear, unless there’s a good reason not to. 

Fridland says people “unconsciously adjust loudness, pitch, syntax, and speech rate to match those they talk to,” even unconsciously shifting to the other person’s accent and idioms. She also lists six conversational habits to avoid: 

• Interrupting, which can make it seem we don’t care what the other person is saying; 
• Story-topping, which shifts the conversation from connection to competition; 
• Being right, which makes the conversation about winning an argument; 
• Being all-knowing, explaining information without being asked for our expertise; 
• Bright-siding; “Always encouraging others to be positive can feel invalidating,” says Fridland.
• Advice-giving when our conversational partner just wants empathy. 

 

“The Hidden Heart of Every Conversation” by Valerie Fridland in Psychology Today, May/ June 2023 (Vol. 56, #3, pp. 40-43); Fridland can be reached at fridland@unr.edu.

Please Note: This summary is reprinted with permission from issue #984 of The Marshall Memo, an excellent resource for educators.